Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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