I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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