the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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