I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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