Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
