Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
