when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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