About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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