you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
