I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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