It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
