This is not my ceiling
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
