I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
