We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
