his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The uberlube is also flammable
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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