So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
