when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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