lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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