She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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