pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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