at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
