Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
