I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
