Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Randomize
