return my video game
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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