So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
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