There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Bang-toberfest begins!!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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