JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
