one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
