btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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