i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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