see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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