I'm really into asian looking animals
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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