you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
