dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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