Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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