it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
