there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
