If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
We talked him into tasing himself.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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