you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
