Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
