i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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