you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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