apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
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