You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
