When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
