i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
