Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
please don't ironically join a cult
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