I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
