I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
