She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
